Vivek's Stuff http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com FW's, random, funny and silly stuff in one place.. posterous.com Mon, 07 Mar 2011 22:23:09 -0800 It happens only in India... http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/it-happens-only-in-india http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/it-happens-only-in-india

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Thu, 08 Jul 2010 23:24:49 -0700 Mr. Farmer John vs. Mrs. Farmer John... http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/mr-farmer-john-vs-mrs-farmer-john http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/mr-farmer-john-vs-mrs-farmer-john
A farmer walks into an attorneys office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, May I help you? 

The farmer says, Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces. 

The attorney asks, Well, do you have any grounds? 

The farmer replies, Yeah. I got about 140 acres. 

The attorney says, No, you dont understand. Do you have a case? 

The farmer says, No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere. 

The attorney says, No you dont understand, I mean do you have a grudge? 

The farmer says, Yeah, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere. 

The attorney says, No, sir, I mean do you have a suit? 

The farmer says, Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays. 

The exasperated attorney says, Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? 

The farmer says, No, sir, we both get up about 4:30. 

Finally, the attorney asks, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE? 

And the farmer replies, Well, I cain't never have a meaningful conversation with her!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:07:36 -0700 Hear No Evil, See No Evil... http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/hear-no-evil-see-no-evil http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/hear-no-evil-see-no-evil

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to lock the door of the church, take off all their clothes and paint naked. 

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church. 

"Who is it?" they called out. 

"I'm the blind man," came the reply. 

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. 

They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.

They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty. 

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Mon, 17 May 2010 02:34:00 -0700 Marvin The Philosopher http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/marvin-the-philosopher http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/marvin-the-philosopher

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Mon, 15 Mar 2010 03:40:29 -0700 The Ant and the Lion http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/the-ant-and-the-lion http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/the-ant-and-the-lion

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Wed, 10 Mar 2010 02:27:24 -0800 Lulu in heat http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/lulu-in-heat http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/lulu-in-heat
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' 
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 
'What does that mean?' asked the child. 
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' 
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to c! ome ask you.' 
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' 
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. 
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' 

You'll love this!

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Mon, 08 Feb 2010 03:38:38 -0800 Birth of a Candy Bar http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/birth-of-a-candy-bar-3 http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/birth-of-a-candy-bar-3
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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:25:00 -0800 Creativity... http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/creativity-174 http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/creativity-174

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:43:03 -0800 Priceless.. http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/priceless-63 http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/priceless-63

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks “Are my testicles black?”

“I’m sorry but I’m not medical staff, I can’t help you with that” she replies.

“Oh, please have a look for me, I’m really worried; Are my testicles black?”

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says “Alright, I’ll have a look for you”. She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, “No, they look fine to me”.

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says “I said, Are my test results back?”

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:40:38 -0800 Why I Got Expelled From School http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/why-i-got-expelled-from-school http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/why-i-got-expelled-from-school

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:06:00 -0800 Open your bank account here.. http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/open-your-bank-account-here http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/open-your-bank-account-here
Unknownname
               

If you don't get it.. here is what Chutiya means.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:07:05 -0800 All you see is shit http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/all-you-see-is-shit http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/all-you-see-is-shit
Noname

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Sat, 10 Oct 2009 23:49:30 -0700 Drinking vs yoga... http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/drinking-vs-yoga-0 http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/drinking-vs-yoga-0
Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga.
 
Savasana
Position of total relaxation.  
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Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.  

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Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

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Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.  

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Halasana
Excelent for back pain and imsomnia.  

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Dolphin
Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.  

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Salambhasana
Great excersice to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

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Ananda Balasana
This position is great for masaging the hip area.

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Almost no training required.

 
 

 
 
 


 


 


 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:07:53 -0700 Just another animal story http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/just-another-animal-story http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/just-another-animal-story

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch.

The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away, sighing to himself "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:34:53 -0700 Incredible India http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/incredible-india-6 http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/incredible-india-6 India holds a certain sense of mystery for the world outside its borders... read on to find how curious foreigners are about India and its ways... or rather read on to find out how dumb and ignorant they are about our beautiful country .. this was taken from a blog where people could post queries if they were planning on making a trip to India....

The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.

Q :     Does it ever get windy in India? I have never seen it  rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A:      We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q :      Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A:      Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:      I want to walk from Delhi to Goa- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A:      Sure, it's only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q:       Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India?   (Sweden)
A:      So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q:       Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi, Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore? (UK)
A:      What did your last slave die of?

Q:       Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India?  (USA)
A:      A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. In-di-a is that big triangle in  the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean  which does not.. oh forget it. ...... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa.  Come naked.

Q:       Which direction is North in India? (USA)
A:      Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q:       Can I bring cutlery into India? (  UK)
A:      Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q:       Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? (France)
A:       Indiana is a state in the Unites States of...oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tuesday  night in Goa, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q:      Can I wear high heels in India? ( UK )
A:      You're a British politician, right?

Q:     Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A:      No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q:    Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A:      Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make  good pets..

Q:       Do you have perfume in India? ( France)
A:      No, WE don't stink.

Q:       I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India?  (USA)
A:      Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:       Do you celebrate Christmas in India? (France)
A:      Only at Christmas.

Q:       Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A:      Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Q:       Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? (Italy)
A:      As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q:       Do you have Toilet paper? (USA)
A:      No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:17:00 -0700 Why men are less depressed? http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/why-men-are-less-depressed http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/why-men-are-less-depressed

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

  • Your last name stays put. 
  • The garage is all yours. 
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
  • Chocolate is just another snack. 
  • You can be President. 
  • You can never be pregnant. 
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
  • You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
  • The world is your urinal. 
  • You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
  • Same work, more pay. 
  • Wrinkles add character. 
  • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100. 
  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
  • You know stuff about tanks. 
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
  • You can open all your own jars. 
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
  • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 
  • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
  • You almost never have strap problems in public. 
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
  • Everything on your face stays its original color. 
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
  • You only have to shave your face and neck. 
  • You can play with toys all your life. 
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. 
  • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 
  • You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
  • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 
No wonder men are happier.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Tue, 15 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0700 Growing old is not for wimps http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/growing-old-is-not-for-wimps http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/growing-old-is-not-for-wimps

Barbie has her 50th birthday this year.......

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Tweety Bird is 60 years old! 

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And what about all our other .... 
Childhood superheros? 

Superman

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Thor

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Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?) 

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Batman and Robin 
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Spiderman

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:07:51 -0700 So, who's fastest http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/so-whos-fastest http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/so-whos-fastest INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

 YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

 HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes
instantly in your mind.

 MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

 SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

 INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply, asked) “WHY”?

 SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got
the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Tue, 08 Sep 2009 04:13:19 -0700 Hell Hole http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/hell-hole http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/hell-hole An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
blood-curdling screams.

 "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having
the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."

 The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

 Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

 "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"

 "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head
drilled to fit the halo."

 "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

 ''You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

 "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu Mon, 31 Aug 2009 23:10:37 -0700 Learn Geography http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/learn-geography http://stuff.vivekjishtu.com/learn-geography
The geography of a woman

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. 

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
 
The geography of a man

Between 15 and 70, a man is like Iraq. Ruled by a dick.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/47257/dark.JPG http://posterous.com/users/1gzMUTzoSOd Vivek Jishtu Vivek Vivek Jishtu